I took a trip to Portland in my early twenties for a photographer retreat and found myself in a bar listening to my host’s friend performing the most soulful, beautiful music. I was masking my discomfort being in a bar, but inwardly it was not a place that I would ever find myself. I was raised in a very conservative home where alcohol was never consumed and it was frowned upon to even have one drink even by most of my extended family. I was trying to fit in, so I shoved down my fear, judgment and awkwardness as I drank a Dr. Pepper and comfort ate a huge plate of cheese fries. A gentlemen joined us for the evening at the invitation of my friend and we began talking and meeting one another. He small talked for a moment and then asked me to tell him about myself. I have always been a little naive of the ways of the world and genuinely offered the following bit of information… “Oh! Well in a nutshell I am a Republican, Christian from Texas!”. I said it with a smile on my face and without any idea what was about to be said back to me. I felt the atmosphere shift as he leaned forward with anger flooding his face and for 15 minutes straight I became an emotional whipping post for every bit of resentment that he had towards “you people”. The word hate came out of his mouth innumerable times as he told me how he hated how Christians treated the homosexual community. How he hated Republicans. It went on an on  without a breath or question. I was terrified, ashamed and secretly wanted to skip the photography retreat and fly home and hide in my Bible Belt town forever. I was so scared to ever have another conversation like that again and feel that feeling that I never engaged with another stranger about anything remotely like that. Common sense in this PC culture right? I’m not very P.C  because it seems to just be false compassion with a current of hidden fear. I would rather be authentic and awkward with real compassion than just plain P.C. So I began to ask God for compassion for souls, because honestly, I didn’t have any and realized that I couldn’t muster it up authentically on my own. He answered and began to awaken my heart to compassion. That emotionally jarring experience caused my heart to look at the stereotypes and the hint of truth that he hated.

Several years later I came across a podcast by Loren Cunningham, YWAM’s founder. I’m always looking for good books to read to learn more about how to live an authentic expression of God’s love and truth and he mentioned one of his favorite books. I quickly grabbed a pen and wrote it down- Repenting of Religion by Gregory A. Boyd. I bought it on Amazon that day and devoured it as soon as I got it in the mail. The book was such an eye opener about the church, judgment, hypocrisy, the Holy Spirit and compassion as it looked into gluttony (what the church has no problem with) and homosexuality. It helped bridge the gap for me between the outward life that I had always lived trying to be perfect for God and the imperfection of my heart and thoughts. I have always despised hypocrisy (Only because of the pain that it has caused me, although most of my life I have definitely been a full on hypocrite!) and have tried to be the same person on the outside that I believe I am on the inside, but I couldn’t ever match the two up on my own. What is the therapist term called, cognitive dissonance? My heart was always at war within because I was trying to match the inside thought life to what I always felt was required of my actions by the Bible. I couldn’t do it and kept beating myself up with shame hoping that if I just learned enough or tried hard enough that I would finally win the battle and be perfect and God would finally love me. Enter the real Gospel.  God having compassion for us and taking away the need for perfection by sending a man, Jesus,- Himself- to complete all righteousness so that by faith we are granted HIS righteousness AND given the gift of the Holy Spirit to lead us into good works here on earth.

I never knew much about the Holy Spirit growing up. I had always heard that God didn’t move in the same ways that He did in the Bible with miracles and leading people the same way. God began bumping me into stories and people who believed otherwise and I began to research, struggle and consume everything that I could learn about this Holy Spirit stuff. I was the girl who mocked the people who believed in healing or anything that happened today that looked like it was in my Bible. Strange enough. I came across the testimony of a man named Dan Mohler and began listening to his 36 hour youtube teachings on God’s love and the power of the Holy Spirit. Finally! Something authentic where someone was just taking their faith and risking compassion, love, prayer and taking God at His word. That looked like a life like Jesus. I spent months learning and searching what I felt about it all and then one day felt like I needed to stop consuming information and just try it. What would happen if I risked looking like an idiot praying for my uncle with cancer and nothing happened? What would happen if I humbled myself and cared for someone that my previous fear and judgment would tell me to stay away from? God came in and started rewiring my heart to be compassionate instead of judgmental. As I believed the power of love and the true transforming power of the Holy Spirit were the answer instead of withdrawing and pointing out the person’s error- my own life became more peaceful and life giving. I always thought that it was my job to point out everyone else’s sin and wrong thinking that by shaming them it would cause them to turn towards God (yet in my own life I could see the glaring problems too! I had a fear based relationship with God and it was NOT fun). I laid down that burden three years ago and now I believe that God does His own work in people’s hearts when they surrender to Him out of faith and love.

One day I was in my backyard and in sincerity of heart I told God out loud that I wanted Him to use me that day. I rarely had said that in the past because I knew from experience that it was usually an assignment that would cause my heart great fear and discomfort- because God stretches and grows us to love past where we are. But that day I meant it. I got in the car and headed towards Slaton to pick up an order and as I was driving through my neighborhood I turned on a street that I normally wouldn’t have. Immediately I had a “ping” hit my spirit as I saw someone walking several blocks ahead of me. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but I knew that God was highlighting that person for a reason. As I got closer the feeling and anticipation grew and so did my fear as I saw that it was a man in high heels. All of my judgment, fear and self-protection was throbbing in my mind- but God’s peace and call was stronger. It was now up to me, would I choose to see what God was up to or drive by in fear? It’s always our choice.

I drove right on by.

When I did his eyes met mine and I felt my heart racing with anticipation as I was allowing my judgment and fear to overwhelm it. I got several blocks past him and the feeling doubled, tripled! I started praying out loud and sternly told God that this had better be HIM and not ME trying to be ridiculous! Did God actually prompt me to do this? Was I going crazy and about to put my family at risk by picking up a stranger? I turned around and headed back towards the man in a dress and high heels. I didn’t even remember what street he was on, but as I got closer I had this impression to turn right at a certain street and there he was. I pulled over, my voice and body trembling with fear, and rolled down my window, “Excuse me, do you need some help?”. He was so kind and said, “Yes, I’m actually walking to my car, it’s parked at my church.” God was so kind to have the man mention church, because it lowered my anxiety by half. I asked him if he wanted a ride and he got in…. with me and all three of my small children. As I drove and we talked about what on earth I was doing picking up a stranger and who he was all of my fear left. I felt God’s presence in the car and boldness and love grew in my spirit. The drive only took me 5 minutes, but when we arrived I felt so confident that this was actually God leading me by His Spirit that I offered to pray for the guy right then and there. I put my hand on his shoulder and prayed for God’s love and Father heart to bless this man and for people to come into his life and show him love. He got out and it was like I felt the weight of God’s love with me. Compassion. God uses funny things. I’ve found that He sends me to people completely opposite of me to bring His compassion and love- he sent a middle class, white, Republican, christian mom in a minivan to love on a middle aged transvestite on the “bad” side of town. God is weird and awesome! If it weren’t for my hunger for learning more about HOW God practically leads us by His Spirit to step out and do the things that He asks (that 95% of the time will throw you outside of what you are comfortable with), then that would have been a usual interaction of fear and judgment and no opportunity to demonstrate my faith in a loving and compassionate God. I’ve had enough of these stories of risking with my faith in being led by God’s spirit that I have worn down a lot of my inner judgment and fear towards people that are different than me. The residue is still there, but the compassion of God speaks louder now- and I keep listening. It’s our choice what we choose to do with it.

I have several more stories about God sending me to people who are completely different than me; to a lesbian on the side of the road and the prompting from God resulting in her being healed of ovarian cancer after prayer and being called to physically hug and pray for a transvestite man dying of aids and other severe STDS. Are you searching for God to use you and show His love and compassion to draw other’s to Him by His Holy Spirit? I fail and drive by without risking it many, many times, but each time that I do it puts a resolution in my heart to want another chance to try again if I can dare to overcome the fear.

This year I prayed and asked God for me to meet and talk with someone from the LGBTQ community and befriend them so that I could make a heart and human connection and two days later I found myself having the most engaging and delightful conversation with a gay man. God’s heart is so big, and I am wanting to have more of it in my life and more love for people that are different from me. Is there someone different than you that you have intentionally sought out to understand and cast off your own judgment? Tell me about it! I would love to hear your experience!

This wasn’t much of a book review like I was planning, but if you are remotely interested in a book that will CHALLENGE your religious spirit and judgment towards people who are different than you, then I HIGHLY recommend Repenting of Religion by Gregory A. Boyd!