It’s the first day of Spring Break and all three boys are huddling under a Lightning McQueen blanket watching Power Rangers Dino Charge. Gone are the days when I had the perfect formula for raising my firstborn child to be perfect- without any TV, constantly playing and laughing with me, memorizing chunks of scripture each week and sitting quietly at the dinner table.

I read so many books. I thought that if I had the sheer willpower and drive to learn and implement the right formulas that my children would develop as perfect, superhuman, Holy Spirit-filled beings. I was so wrong. I couldn’t even keep up with my own standards of perfection and eventually came to the realization that I could just try and give it a good effort, package the whole thing in a box of connection and wrap that with glittery paper of compassion. I would say grace, but I always had such a misunderstanding of grace growing up, so compassion works better for me.

I built my photography business on hard work, creativity and authenticity on my blog. I’ve talked with several people who said that they wanted to hire me instead of someone else because of how real and open I was about my life on my blog. The truth is- I had it good. I was successful, beautiful, confident, well connected and wealthy in my early 20s. There were a few emotional issues with my parent’s divorce, but for the most part I had smooth sailing in my life.

The second part of my twenties is when all of my issues surfaced. I was side swiped by the enormity of it all because I was so prideful and thought that I had it all together. That was NOT accurate, I was just naive! This is when I began to hide from writing on my blog. I was afraid, ashamed and no longer perfect. My identity as a photographer and person was so wrapped up in what others thought of me that I was sure that my business would crumble if I couldn’t keep up the perfect image. So I quit trying and wallowed in isolation, depression and a lot of hopelessness about my life.

My early thirties have all been about inner healing, compassion, and climbing out of the chrysalis as a more understanding, passionate and easy going mother, wife and business owner. I hope to begin to share more about my heart- although courage will be necessary for sure (feel free to pep talk now!). There is great fear in seeing your own imperfections and still choosing to show yourself authentically. I hope to do that. No guarantees on perfection, but I’ll give this writing thing a good effort.