It has been forever since I’ve made a personal post, like, almost a year.
I like to blame it on my lack of brain power (and grammar skills) from growing/nursing kids for the last four years without staying on a supplement regime, but in reality, I’ve just disconnected.
I think that I’ve felt like a bit of a failure and I know that I’ve written about this before, but there is nothing like feeling the ego of being “top dog” in your area and then tumbling below into a significant depression. The voices that you listen to in those times are daunting and will most definitely morph you into someone totally different.
This move to Kansas City has been another doozie. We moved farther away from family and people that I know and have had the third fresh start in 4 years. I’ve had two kids and have started a business in a new town three times. It’s been exhausting and I think I’ve lost touch with who I once was and have had to put a lot of my reserve strength into rediscovering who I am now. Being a first time mom in the midst of all of this has been dizzying. I am a person that thrives in chaos, and have always thought that change would never worry me or get me off of my game, but I have been put to the ultimate challenge since moving from Lubbock four years ago.
My parents brought me up with a “never give up once you sign up” mentality and although I did frequently give up on hobbies and new things that I was interested in I haven’t ever considered myself someone who would give up on things that I thought were important easily. That foundation as a child was put to the test this year when I wanted to completely throw in the towel on photography… again.
When I was in Lubbock it seemed like the fame and glory of my photography business just happened without any significant education on what I was doing right as a business person. I just did what I loved, was borderline narcissistic with my blogging and my image and things just naturally happened. When I moved twice in Oklahoma and I did the same thing and it failed I was at a loss. I felt like my personal worth was tied so heavily into my career that I was no longer of any value too. I began to run from my responsibilities as a business owner and hide under the entitlement that it was all up to my husband to provide. With a large amount of student debt coming in after Josh graduated college, I had to either act, or move home. It was a humbling place to be and I didn’t have the confidence in myself or my craft to re-launch. God had a different plan though. In our weakness, He shows up. He set people in my path that really rallied around me and cheered me on to re-invent and pursue what I loved. They told me that I was, in fact, valuable and great at my craft and to go for it. They called me up out of the pit that I’d been stuck in for a few years.
It was such a breath of fresh air to have these people speaking into my life, because I had been living in almost absolute isolation from any deep friendships for over a year. I’m a people person. I THRIVE when I’m around large groups of people daily, so living in a small town without many friends and having a 1 year old at home by myself all day was almost earth shattering to me. Now you see why I closed myself off from the real world on my blog for so long? I felt like I had nothing positive and exciting to share and didn’t want to bring others down into the depths of the life that was now a fallen star instead of a rising star.
This week I was reminded that it’s all part of my story. The beauty that comes from the ashes redeems it all.
My story is important because it shapes who I am and who I will become. Better, stronger, more determined. I’m more empathetic towards people, more assertive to those who are feeling lost in life and am genuinely softer. God really used all of these experiences to knock off some of my jagged edges that would keep me from deeper relationships with people.
I’m still figuring it all out, and figuring out what my purpose is and what I truly love in life, but I’m starting to come up out of the wilderness a changed person. Different, and most definitely better.